there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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