I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
