So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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