That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
