he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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