nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
