It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
