I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
