"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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