what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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