and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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