Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
