Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
