2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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