I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
