i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
