you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
