i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
