If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
