This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
