dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
