i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
