i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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