Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
