Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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