You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
