we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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