I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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