I need to stop coming to work sober
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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