I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
