i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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