I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
