Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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