I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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