I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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