So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize