I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
