they need to just BURY HIM!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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