awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
