He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
