I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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