Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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