guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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