i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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