I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
