i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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