She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
