This is not my ceiling
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
A+ Viking dick
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