Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
