I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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