MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
