if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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