i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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