Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
