She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
