Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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