just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
