You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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