It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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