I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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