My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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